What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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