Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
