I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
