Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
