Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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