either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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