I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
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Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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