i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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