You did not just play the dead husband card again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
