Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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