I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
