I am spending my child support on dildos
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
