It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
