Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
PANTIES FOUND
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
