He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
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I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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