Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
