my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
