just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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