It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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