I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
