After last night, I could never be a politician.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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