You just made me feel so damn special
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just blew my weed a kiss
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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