The maid of honor just puked.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
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I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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