Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
