I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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