dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
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searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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