my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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