I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
