This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
