ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
