i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
