I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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