how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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