this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
