why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When did angry sex become our thing?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
