Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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