So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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