Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
