i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
