"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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