We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
