i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
