He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
