my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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