just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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