she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
