Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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