New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
