I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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