I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
