All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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