It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
