Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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