you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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