The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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