Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
this will be a night to untag.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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