I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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