did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
